Words by: Jonathon Davidson
So, you’ve decided to enrol in University.
Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Where can I get some reliable, honest and useful advice about the next three to five years of my life?
Not in this article.
So why am I here?
To learn how to skim across the surface of academic success like a glorious jet-ski, careening wildly on your way to the distant shore of graduation. You will likely crash land on the other side, having just barely made it, but make it you will.
So you’re going to teach me how to phone-in my degree?
Pretty much. P’s get degrees, baby.
So is this from personal experience, or..?
Oh heavens no, I actually pay attention. But that’s not why you clicked on the idiot’s guide to passing uni.
Fair point. So what’s first?
That’s a tough one, but your first point of call is the student equity office.
Student equity offices are fantastic things. Much like bartenders are forced to talk to you, student equity officers legally have to help you and file reports and follow inquiries and basically represent your student rights. Before you enrol in any units, before you even select your degree, you’re going to want to locate your student equity office and officer.
Memorise their name, memorise their consultation hours.
Why are they important?
When you fail an assignment, the student equity officer is the face to which you need to lie directly through your teeth.
Perhaps your tutor discriminates against you because of his own class background. Perhaps you found the test conditions unfair in the face of an underlying psychological condition which manifested towards the end of week one. Perhaps something terrible happened to your grandmother, or a beloved sibling.
Whatever it takes, the student equity officer has to sit there and listen to all of it. Then they have to call in your tutor for an interview – maybe with you, so get good at lying in general – and if you play your cards right, you should be able to see to it that your grades go the way you want them to for the entirety of your study.
The natural way.
So, ‘get good at lying’. Okay, got it. What’s next?
Get even better at forgery.
While medical technologies continue to advance into sci-fi dimensions, medical certificates have been left behind, sorely lacking the same delicate touch of innovation.
What this means is that with photoshop and a printer, you only need to go to a doctor once to give yourself a lifetime supply of medical certificates.
However, use caution – you’re kind of fucked if the student equity officer rings the doctor to confirm.
Shouldn’t we be talking about like, essays and exams?
If you want, sure.
So what’s the trick to passing exams?
A good essay ghostwriter will cost you about fifty bucks per 1000 words.
If you’re lucky, you can perhaps find one who is new to the game and will charge you per reference, but chances are they’ll fuck up the finer details. As for actual exams, that’s tricky. You’ve got two options. The first is to have your ghostwriter take notes and attend tutorials for you all semester, and to give you those notes before the exam for you to study and take.
Sounds awful. What’s the second option?
Long-cons. The second option is a long con.
Ideally in this case you’ve chosen someone who looks like you. But you can take someone looking like you a step further and commit full on fraud, depending on how far you go with tax benefits and proof of identification. Here again, lying and forgery are fantastic skills. The general idea is to only ever be present at University via your newfound tangible proxy. Perhaps you will instruct your chosen avatar to dress like you. Perhaps you want to go full method-acting and have them smell like you, think like you, walk like you.
But at this point you’re putting far much more effort in than is probably needed, and this is starting to turn into a different article.
Yeah. It really is. What about reading and whatever?
You don’t really need to read anything to pass University by the skin of your teeth. You can sort of just float on through doing whatever the entire time, and that’s without ghostwriters, or forgery, or lying, or equity officers. No, really.
So long as you manage to submit a majority of your unit assessments in frantic last minute rushes and pass by the absolute minimum – 110 words under the limit, minimal references, long-drawn and unsupported but ultimately correct inferences – you should be fine.
In fact, you probably didn’t need to read this article. And this is of course all assuming that you aren’t in an advanced course, or going for honours, or a double major, or something really competitive like law or animal science.
Well, great. You’ve just given me a lot of information, and absolutely none of it is helpful or eye-opening at all.
And that’s what passing University on 51% is all about!