Words By: Beth Commons
When someone tinders you high and tells you that he thinks you’re ‘real pretty’ after liking a butt photo you put up and when he looks like an actual angel, you definitely meet up with him. Especially when he asks if you’d like to kiss sometime.
He was late to meet me at the huge brewery and I sat outside looking at my phone wondering if I’d be dealing with my first stand up of this tinder experience. I heard a jovial “hey” above me and stood up to give him a ‘hey’ cuddle. We went inside after being asked for our ID’s and sat opposite each other at an uncomfortably large table. He talked a lot about his friends, then he started talking about about his favourite fruits.
“do you…like fruit?” I told him yes. I do like fruit. He told me he was a vegan. I lied to him and told him I had been a vegetarian since I was thirteen. vegans don’t like people that eat meat, right?
After we’d finished our drinks we walked back to his car and he told me to get in. We drove to my house. I hadn’t actually planned for this at all and my boyfriend was sitting inside blissfully oblivious.
I told him that he couldn’t come in and lied again about my sister being in town and staying with me. I told him she was very protective of me so there was no way he could come in unless he wanted to get brutally chastised. I don’t think he wanted to come in anyway due to the harems of spiders that were surrounding my house. Also he called my cat a jerk. She is a jerk. He told me we’d hang out again. I didn’t believe him.
He hugged me goodbye and drove away.
LEMON DROP PART II
For some reason this boy decided it’d be a good idea to hang out again. so I donned the blackest skirt I could find and he picked me up. He’d got himself a fresh tattoo of a sea-scape around his thigh. He told me he knew of this really great car park where he could park his car. He drove to this car park and there were fifteen spaces, all of which were unavailable. I told him he was being dumb and directed him to a better car park. Then we went to an expensive vegan restaurant and ate expensive vegan food. Then we went to a bar. This bar was occupied by none other than this tinder boy’s’ ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend. So we talked about that for a good half an hour. There’s nothing quite like hearing someone bitch endlessly about their ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend to really put you in the mood. I was so ready for this date to be over.
I’d arranged with my boyfriend beforehand to have our shared bedroom vacant so I could see this boy. My boyfriend was on a tinder date of his own, whom happened to know lemon drop, nice one world.
So we went inside. He sat on my rug and I showed him some incense that someone had bought me. He wasn’t so impressed with my incense but I thought it smelled pretty good.
We made our way onto the bed and lay together until he did one of those ‘sooooo…’s that you know will follow with something weirdly suggestive. And so it goes. He asked me how I felt about kissing. I told him I’d be able to arrange it. Then we had sex. With the lights off.
Then he fell asleep beside me. I panicked because he wasn’t meant to stay the night, he woke up, started spooning me and then we had sex again.
He took a really long time to cum, I’m going to say it because I feel it’s crucial to the story in some way that I’ve not yet identified. What was weird though is that it was all in one position and really fast going. But this guy had the stamina of something full of stamina. How’s that for a metaphor? You want fries with that metaphor?
After we’d finally fucking finished he got up and left. Good stuff.
LEMON DROP III
Please don’t ask me why I saw this dude again. I painted him so badly in the previous section but there was something about him that I really liked. He picked me up with the intent to fuck me in a park. We drove to three different parks and spent the whole time scouring them for children and anyone who could potentially spot us in the act. At one point we’d found the perfect spot and settled down, ready to make a life amongst the ferns, when the sprinklers started sprinkling us.
So we sat in an old wooden boat and spoke about his friends again, occasionally sipping at wine.
At one point he pulled his bong out and asked me if I wanted to do that. I accepted but then remembered that I turn into a dribbling fool when I’m high so quickly retracted my yes.
We sat there for a long time. I don’t know why but I sometimes struggle with one on one interactions and this dude was really pushing my limits.
After about four hours I pulled the plug and asked him to take me home.
“I’ll see you soon.”
LEMON DROP IV
This one was a booty call. Straight up. He was over and gone within two hours. He came into my bedroom and lay next to me on my bed. His mouth was really dry so I did the grown up thing and offered him a glass of water. He accepted with fervour. I then played him some music (at his request, this should be noted because I’m definitely not one of those fellas who’s all about flinging music at people when they least expect it) whilst he cuddled me and made circles with his fingers on my side. He was tickling me but I didn’t want to ruin the moment so I tried my best not to squirm and kick him off of me. Then we had sex. With the lights on.
Then he left and I haven’t seen him since.