Words by: Jonathon Davidson
Like a demented and zealous James Joyce, Dr. Gene Ray of Florida uses Timecube.org (also timecube.com, somehow) as the place to pontificate his own interpretations of religion and society. Recently, the human race almost lost a sacred treasure. I am not talking about any ancient cities currently being destroyed by Islamic State, nor am I talking about the ozone layer, bees, or ocean temperatures. I’m talking about timecube.org.
The site went down for a few days.
For those unfamiliar with Timecube, strap yourself in. I could think of all kinds of witty lines here (so many in fact I included none of them), but this video says more than I ever could about the man behind the magic:
Timecube.org is what happens when a paranoid schizophrenic on a pension starts a web-blog in his spare time and quickly throws himself into a full-time role. If you just cried ‘defamation,’ hold on for a few more sentences. What the website has offered Dr. Gene Ray of Florida is a place for him to not only express himself, but also construct basically a podium upon which he has infinite space to prove to humanity that he is, indeed, the real smartest human alive.
This is what you see the first time you go to timecube:
And apparently, he isn’t lying. The webpage is absolutely and completely – by the very literal definition – insane. Right now, this is how the manifesto starts:
“In 1884, meridian time personnel met in Washington to change Earth time.”
Meridian time personnel. Meridian time personnel. From the get-go, two things become apparent:
a) what the fuck, and
b) holy shit.
The reader is quickly informed that ONEism is a death trap, everything they have learned in school and been told by their parents is wrong, and also the world is run by same sex couples and there is no such thing as a 24-hour rotational day.
Still with me? Bad. Maybe schedule an appointment.
Scroll down. Now scroll down a bit more.
Notice how far down the page you didn’t go? I tried to copy and paste all the text to do a word count in google docs but it froze my computer and shut down chrome for a good four minutes. That’s how much goddamn data there is on that page. This guy either loves his coffee (note: “coffee,”) or he has well and truly maximised the dopamine release into his brain. Either way, we are clearly dealing with a being able to access some kind of demi-god state of productivity.
I have got no idea what a Oneist is, but I do sure feel sorry for anybody who is one, because he isn’t afraid of getting right to the vulnerable spots of society.
I must confess though, I’m a long time-follower of Dr. Ray, and the site has recently undergone some changes. So with the help of The Internet Archive Wayback Machine, also known as “oh fuck there’s my old emo Myspace photos,” I was able to grab the website as it appeared in 2008. Now we’re talking: this is old school timecube. This is timecube before it was cool. This is timecube at its best:
“There is not a God, Pope, man or woman who ever lived who did not have a tailbone and navel from a Mother’s birth experience. All your tithes go to enrich the vaults of gang of queers who own the churches and rip off the Stupid and Poor.”
-Dr. Gene Ray, 2008
Clearly ‘best’ is up for some contestation, but to be fair, I don’t think there’s a demographic on earth who escapes his scrutiny throughout the sprawling manifesto.
There’s quite a bit of change between the 2008 version of the page and the first one I linked to. It seems that maybe Dr. Ray is going through some hard financial times considering the website’s recent revival (which did not go unnoticed by the twitter community,) but I don’t think anybody is able to claim that old mate Ray has given up the spot at the podium, and he continues to write on, mad with an acceptable frenzy, loveable despite some very obvious hints towards rather outdated views about the world.