Features

Shhh: Perth’s Best Hidden Secrets

Written by: Mr/Ms. X


Like us, you’re probably sick of all these mainstream bars and diners in Perth with their unaffordable prices, disinterested crowds and devotions to playing top 10 commercial hits pushed straight out of sterile record label warehouses and right into the wallets of greedy executives. Well, we’re taking a stand. Our city is full of secret locales tucked behind concealed doorways and hidden stairwells. We’ve collected the best places to go out in Perth that nobody knows about. Meeting up with your friends later? Let’s play Where’s Wally, motherfuckers.

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                                                                  Pictured: Entrance to Crown Casino

Crown Casino

I felt like I was doing something wrong just typing out the name. This place is so unknown that a culture of silence is just sort of implied. Unlike most places you’ve been to in Perth, Crown Casino doesn’t have any windows or clocks.
“Ha-ha! What? No windows? No clocks? That’s absurd!” you will say to yourself, sipping on rare organic-grain scotch at one of many fine seating arrangements available.

That’s just how Crown is. You don’t like absurdity? Get lost man, get back to one of your normie bars back in normville.

There’s also heaps of board-games. Vintage revolution, man. Solid.

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                                                                           Pictured: Entrance to Dome

Dome

If you’re out in Perth you’re gonna wanna coffee, but you’re probably sick of all those places you’ve been before. You know what I’m talking about: the same little cafes, with the same little posters on the walls from an era that seems just slightly too recent to be considered nostalgic, but you consider it nostalgic anyway, and then high tail it out of there because they know you have loose change and they start talking about Oxfam.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You should try Dome.

“I’ve never heard of them,” we hear you saying. But relax, breathe easy. You can trust them – we would never focus on a place because it was hard to find and disregard the quality of the goods offered. No way. We’ll talk about the coffee. You think we won’t? Wrong:

With a wide range of different blends available, from “traditional,” to “sweetened”, Dome is the underground coffee experience that your inner beatnik doesn’t know it’s missing. This black sheep is not only the little train that could, but it’s the little train that cares.

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                                                                Pictured: Entrance to Old Shanghai

Old Shanghai

Now, the mixture of these cloaked bespoke beverages are swirling around in your stomach like a trendy mess. You need to get some of Perth’s most underrated food in you. But where to go? Here’s where to go: Old Shanghai.

Old Shanghai is so out there it can’t even contain itself to one restaurant. It’s a restaurant with like 7 other little restaurants inside it. I’m still trying to get my head around it, it’s so fucking 2015. So innovative. So progressive. A dining experience crafted to reflect our modern times. No other diner in Perth can offer you such a heady mix of deep contemplations. Just remember – we didn’t tell you about it.

So you’ve had a few recherche drinks and exotic board games at Crown Casino. Next, you followed that up at Dome with a brew of forbidden blends featuring the finest, fairest-traded coffee beans in town – a macchiato that was truly ahead of its time. Then, you quelled your internal war with the gourmet dishes of chefs so unwonted you never actually saw their faces.

And now, having fulfilled your beastly needs, you know what needs to happen. You wanna get down. You wanna get freaky. You wanna get ya pump on.

Well, we’re taking you through til morning. Coz we’ve got a nightclub for you so arcane, so totally and absolutely unconventional, that you’re going to quit your job and sell jewellery at South Beach instead. Hold onto your useless little seatbelt as you enter…

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                                                       Pictured: Entrance to Metropolis Fremantle

Metropolis Fremantle

I’ve actually gotta lay low after publishing this article, coz they’re gonna be after me for releasing this one to the public.

The entrance to metros is so well hidden, so entirely and completely convoluted, cloaked and stashed behind a series of detours and fake bookshelves and deceptive wallpapers that the land is actually registered as international waters. This is a club so underground that your visa stops being recognised.

Good luck hearing a familiar tune here. Metros plays only the most unheard of, the most unique and ground breaking stuff that pushes the limits of rhythm and melody and shatters the tenants of dance music cultures everywhere. This is a sweet kaleidoscopic cacophony taking over your ears. This is the penultimate night out in an elite, exclusive, inner city chic bar; too good for its own profit model.

Make it yours this Saturday night.