The Great Barrier Reef Is Dying. Here’s Why We Love Kinder Bueno

by Smoko Henderson

They are easy to steal from coles 

Because they are lightweight and discrete, kinder buenos are ideal for theft at self-checkouts, unless that wannabee cop Chris is doing checkout assistant on Tuesdays and hovers over you like the gestapo because he’s full of himself since getting promoted from aisle 6.

Kinder also make that kids’ chocolate so child labourers get toys probably

I don’t know if this is true but Ferrero once said they’d stop using child labourers one day so I assume they are all being well looked after. Hopefully they aren’t just getting all the shit toys. But when we bite into that delicate wafer we know that everything’s okay.

They are crispy and light so you can eat eight

And you know that you’ve done nothing wrong.

Kinder bueno is there for you when nobody else is

Like a lighthouse on the horizon, the lonely steel ship inside us all can be warmed by the genuine comfort of a delicious kinder bueno.

You can pretend that human history is divided into “Bueno Chocolate” and “After Dinner” for a quick laugh to yourself 

Ha ha

Kinder bueno doesn’t bleach due to rising acidity of the ocean 

Things aren’t made like they used to be. I don’t know when the ocean started being such a bitch about everything but I don’t buy it. This is probably another big fake, like the moon landing. Keep the pumps running, boys!

The hazlenut filling 

So good, yum.