Don’t Worry: The Water Surrounding Elizabeth Quay Is Perfectly Safe to Look At

Words by Smoko Henderson

Despite the presence of faecal bacteria in the water of Elizabeth Quay and the possible bacterial infection of a child’s eye, the premier reassured the state today that the water surrounding Elizabeth Quay is perfectly safe to look at.

Western Australia Premier Colin Barnett told reporters that health concerns were overblown.

“The water is perfectly fine to photograph – it’s also safe for boating and kayaking. In fact, all watercraft is safe. The water is perfectly suitable for any activity that doesn’t require direct physical contact with the water.”

Despite independent sample reports finding the positive presence of septic bacteria in the water around the flagship infrastructure project, the state government are happily resigned to the fact that the Swan river is still perfectly good to look at.

To ensure that everybody trusts the state government are doing the right thing, planning department stakeholders have hired a private firm to continue carrying out sample tests at Elizabeth Quay.

Despite the fact these findings are completely subject to commercial in confidence laws, meaning they aren’t publicly retrievable, there is little in the way of cover-up to worry about, seeing as Elizabeth Quay is still a fine location on which to lean oneself and stare out with indecision at the natural habitat.

“Might I remind you that swimming has never been allowed, so it’s not right to ask if it’s safe to swim,” Colin answered reporters.

“Ha ha, that’s a dumb question. You asked a dumb question, you’re getting told,” Colin said.

When asked why plumbing had to be removed and re-installed at the site, and whether or not faulty plumbing had anything to do with an alleged eye infection contracted at the child’s water park earlier in the year, Colin Barnett handed reporters a $20 bill and made a gesture insinuating bribery, asking reporters to go and put the hardline on Parks and Wildlife instead.