Features Uncategorized

Open Letter to Duncan Storrar RE: Your Toaster

Words By: Michael Winsall


It’s been a rough week for you, Duncan. You asked a great question to our politicians on Q&A, where assistant treasurer Kelly O’Dwyer gave you an non-sequitur answer about trickle down reaganomics and $6000 toasters, and Lobbyist Innes Willox decided to take it upon himself to set your tax affairs straight. You were hailed as a hero, and vilified as a villain, all in one week.

But that’s not why I’m here, Dunc.

I’m here because of the GoFundMe campaign to buy you that $6000 toaster. You’ve been given $60,000, and 10% is reserved for your toasting pleasure. Now, I’m not a politician, and I’m not an economist, so I can’t help you with your tax. I am, however, a chef by trade, and I know my kitchen machinery. I’m here to help guide you with your choices. Here’s what I’ve got for you:

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Image credit: Nisbets

6 Slice slot toaster – $379.90

It’s ok, I guess. I mean, this is the toaster for those that love their bread but don’t love change. The LNP members of the kitchen. But I think we can get you better.

 

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Image credit: Nisbets

 

Smooth Clamshell Grill – $249.90 

This is more heavy duty, Duncan, I’ve worked a café with one of these before, they’re a beast of a machine. However, if you don’t set the lid properly it will crush your bread like the major parties will crush your dreams of escaping the poverty cycle.

 

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Image credit: Nisbets

 

Ribbed Clamshell Grill – $889.00 

Now isn’t this a sexy machine? I’ve heard the phrase “Ribbed for your pleasure” before, and now I know  what they mean. With this machine you can make yourself and your children a chicken, avocado and roast capsicum pesto Panini, and pretend you’re the owner of a café with $2m in turnover, from your very own home!

 

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Image credit: Nisbets

A Freaking Salamander! – $2,579.00

Powered by LPG. Like what you put in your car. Assuming you aren’t poor, as we all know (thanks to joe hockey) don’t drive cars. This baby will take your bread to the next level. You will never have a more evenly toasted piece of toast than  you will out of a salamander.

 

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Image credit: Nisbets

Conveyor Pizza Oven – $17,329 

I know, I know, you were allowed $6000 to get your toaster. But fuck it, right? You’ve got $60k to work with here. Hell, You could actually purchase every single one of these toasters and still more money left over than you would have from working a year full time on minimum wage.

Now isn’t that some food for thought?