9 Things I’ve Learned From Reading The West Australian

Smoko Henderson

West Australians love the newspaper. It’s not hard to find somebody who still gets it delivered. If you ask him about newspapers at the right time of day, you can look into the wet blue eyes of that mealy old white haired man we call Pa and just about see a simpler past in his gazing back at you. The West Australian has always been a champion of quality journalism, community engagement, and honest advertising, and I am very excited for the future of our state newspaper under the new ownership of Channel 7, who absolutely aren’t attempting to establish a monopoly at all.

1. I value shark’s lives over human lives because I’m on welfare

If only I had known that the place from whence my misplaced compassion came was in fact centrelink, I could have acted earlier, and possibly notified someone within 14 days. Too little too late, but I guess you’ve got to embrace the hiccups.

Anyway, without the West, I would have assumed that my peers and I contest shark culls based on some kind of ethical basis, maybe something to do with environmental awareness and mankind’s massive capacity for destruction – I realise now that these arguments are stupid and I was only more concerned about sharks because I’m on welfare.

2. Police are seeking a dark skinned man of about 30 to assist with their inquiries

Have you seen him?

3. Luxurious real estate is currently up for grabs at once in a lifetime prices 

This gorgeous 2 story home by the river is located near schools, public transport and a number of community organisations. Live a life of opulence with an open plan kitchen and dining area, marble countertops, 2 spare rooms and swimming pool. Plenty of room for Spot to play and a safe fence around the pool to keep kids safe. Prices starting at $900,000. Fill up the spare rooms with extra televisions. Hire a cleaner to dust them fortnightly.

4. I can’t find a job because all of my employers are on meth 

It’s official – West Australian workplaces are now full of workers hopped up on methamphetamines, and it isn’t just the brickies. I now understand that managers and CEOs are regularly topping up the pipe down in HR during shifts and getting rid of all resumes that don’t sound like they end up in another smooth gram.

5. Sensible and high quality graphic design is a buzzword and not really important 

You can actually put whatever you want on the front of the paper and people will still read it and that isn’t at all a symptom of having no mainstream alternative choices (like every other state in the world).

6. Freelance prostitution is fine 

It’s totally fine, it’s AAAAAAAA-Lauren-18-DD-Curtin-Student-OK.

7. News is an abstract concept 

Some people out there would tell you that simply calling one minister from Liberal and then one minister from Labor and asking them both charged questions about the same issue until they disagree with each other isn’t really news, and those people would be wrong. It absolutely is news. News is when the opposition don’t agree with the leading party, as it’s very unusual. You wouldn’t understand unless you’ve read it.

8. Opinion letters aren’t supposed to reflect reader feedback, they are there for the elderly to disagree with the slightly younger elderly about trivial matters. 

I’d like to reply to Henry (18/4 “The Hoodlums of Hamilton Hill”), while I agree that Hamilton Hill is absolutely full of hoodlums, I’m not sure that I want my taxpayer dollars going towards increased police patrols in trouble hotspots and community engagement research. I want my tax dollars going to another big infrastructure project. I don’t care what is is, just give me one.

9. Perth truly isn’t boring.

It really isn’t! So much goes on here everyday. Have you heard alternative rock music? You’re going to love alternative rock music. Why are dolphins dying from poisoning in the Swan River? It’s probably one of life’s mysteries, you should definitely check out Peachy Paleo though, it’s a new pop up in the cultural centre. Get this: they serve you stuff on custom ceramic plates and if you take a photo of your meal for instagram you get to post it. It’s not like that’s it though. Have you been to any of the local markets? You can buy some washed out hippie chick’s old denim jacket for $75. Don’t forget community news – Midnight Oil are looking for a new lead singer and it looks like Roller Hockey have a few candidates for that gig. We’re still waiting for news back on Roe 8 and the destruction of Aboriginal artefacts, but who gives a shit about rocks right? My mum chiselled stone into workable tools 600,00 years ago, step off my dick. Savages. How can you say nothing goes on when we’ve got RTR? You’re gonna love alternative rock bro, so much goes on here.

 (Stay tuned for Rotunda’s next showcase and please come to it still)