Words by: Smoko Henderson
Modern populations do not elect, they are rented out to the richest party in the verminous halls of parliament. Under late capitalism, the worker is shaped to seek the status quo, and not upturn it. The modern worker’s greatest enemy is the middle class. For the hands of justice to reach up to the culpable and tear them down by their scalps, we must first smash through the floor of the middle class.
Here are 5 pointers why Perth is OK but also pretty good if you’re on prescription amphetamines.
1. Long, Scenic Drives
It’s good to get out for a long drive along the coast every now and then, blast some tunes, run some cheeky reds. Perth offers a lot of coast. Lots and lots of scenic coast. We might get a lot of hate here, but one thing people really can’t complain about is our gracious offerings of scenic coast. It goes for kilometers, upon kilometers. And kilometers. Forty. Sixty. One hundred and eighty. Two hundred. Three – Tim, have we got a credit card on us?
Sick, pull over.
Don’t have a car though? Don’t worry:
Every urban city of notable status has a cool smaller sister city to the south. Amsterdam has Haarlem, Melbourne has St Kilda. Progressive social values seem to gravitate towards the south wherever you are, unless you are in Sudan, but nobody really gives a shit about Sudan, which makes sense because it’s not Fremantle.
Fremantle is cool, quirky, and fun. Perth’s signature delicate cousin, Fremantle offers a tasteful blend of urban existence – the artistic appropriation of a former hub of industry and crime, which totally isn’t a textbook example of gentrification at all. After purchasing children’s stimulants on the black market, Fremantle becomes particularly enjoyable – go to MANY, or maybe a small cafe, and take a lucky bet on Good-Latte-Bingo, or try to find an established artist with an approachable personality. Ha ha, happy hunting! #PerthisOK
3. Literally Every Other Outer City Main Strip Who’ve Realised Indie Graffiti Brings Customers
Speaking of old, hippie Fremantle, it’s important to note that art loving individuals have plenty of options. Leederville is a bit artsy too. And so is most of Northbridge, and Subiaco, and Victoria Park too, and don’t forget Highgate. Some of Mt Lawley. Also Mosman Park if you’re bourgeoisie. Margaret River is a bit trendy now, Geraldton has plenty of chic, and there’s that one street in Bunbury. These places are all good examples of why Perth is OK. None are repetitious, or blatantly designed to ensnare a hypocritical demographic too arrogant to see through their own fucking bullshit- all these places say one thing: clearly, we’ve got it as good as everywhere else. #Loveit
4. Really Cool And Diverse Scenes For Anything You’re Into
Passion, independence and self determination. Talent, prowess, and enthusiasm. These are all the great things about Perth’s various artistic pursuits – live music, stand up comedy, non profit community organisations, websites, poetry clubs, sports clubs, so much variety, so much action, honestly too much to try and say that Perth is boring.
On the other hand: the people. I guess life is what you make of it, but you can make a lot of shit on pharmaceutical grade speed. We’re talking 70s-sci-fi writer levels of productivity here, so it’s really a no-brainer. #Elizabethquay #Blessed
5. Great Jokes About Melbourne
The greatest thing that Perth has to offer is a lot of jokes about Melbourne, and this is why Perth is OK. You can come up with some really good ones if you’re cooked as fuck, too. Examples include:
“Why do people move to Melbourne? Because they’re validation seeking basics.”
“How do you know if a self-superior progressive with a lesbian haircut hates colonialism? They’ll tell you, but they’ll also happily move to Melbourne and force themselves there and not think twice about it.”
“What’s Melbourne good for? Skithouse.”
“Why is Melbourne ranked the most livable city in the world? They’re probably paying someone.”
“How do you know if someone has moved to Melbourne? They’re an arrogant cunt who got sick of trying to kill themselves.”
So on and so forth. #PerthisOK