Words by: Smoko Henderson
These articles suck, but you’ll read it, so I’m stealing the premise anyway. Here are five things I’d tell my younger self that don’t involve federal law:
5. Don’t watch the first Star Wars, it comes out again in 2016.
The first Star Wars movie is about a mystical race of space wizards called Jedis and a galactic republic bent on capitalist control of the universe, and the quest of the Jedis to find help overthrowing government tyranny by enlisting good rebel comrades to their cause, and there’s also parts about incest or dads and a talking dog or something. Either way, it takes a young rebel soldier with a real knack for space wizardry AND fighting to get things going, and eventually this dude fires a rocket down an exhaust shaft on a giant moon base, and the whole thing blows up.
That’s the first Star Wars movie, and it’s also the seventh, so just wait it out.
4. You must destroy the family unit and romantic love before the middle class will revolt.
Typically, people point towards George Orwell’s 1984 in making literary criticisms of the modern nation-state, but this isn’t really true. It’s actually Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. In Brave New World, the masses are not controlled by strict force, censorship, and surveillance. They are controlled by freedom: addictions to sex and entertainment are encouraged by the state, and the pursuit of pleasure is used to oppress the modern worker. “Of course,” you say to yourself, “this is just conjecture.”
In reality, we are not actually subservient to sex and technology. Now please, I need to check tinder.
3. Brownes stop making double decker yogos and it’s up to you to stop it.
In August 2016, a bunch of Sudanese people are shot to death inside the walls of a UN protection camp, which generally reflects the integrity of the UN, which will help you make sense of everything when Browne’s Dairy stop making double decker yogos and it isn’t listed as a war crime.
Before you incite revolution, first save the double decker yogo. The soft, bouncy marshmallow top: the gooey, lower foundations. “Not enough customer demand,” not enough customer demand my big toe, that’s fucked mate. Customers were lining up for double decker. Double decker was a national treasure and you sold it down the river just like that, like it was another one of your contracts, double decker had soul, double decker had more than one side to it, mostly two, but they were both good sides. Who are you to sit on top of your ivory tower deciding what will and won’t be on shelves like you run the show, which you do, but shouldn’t, because there were casualties. Double Deckers were cherished by all, they were public domain. Fuck Browne’s Dairy.
Also, invest in Mr. Rental, because their meme game gets strong.
2. Christine dies in a house fire in 2013 so don’t worry about paying her back.
Honestly, it’s cool. She had more than she always let on anyway, so don’t think about it.
1. Bet someone $500 that Mr Rental will rule the meme game one day.
Don’t worry about what the meme game is, you’ll understand when you’re older. For now, just think of that sweet $500, which in 2016 will be worth roughly $500.