Words by: Smoko Henderson
This content is provided by our proud sponsors, Crown Casinos Limited, Burswood Division. When you’re done reading this article, why not take a drive over and let your money do the talking?
I know what you’re thinking – you haven’t got time to read this. You can feel it deep within your bones, your table is lucky today. The slots are primed. The needle is weighted in your favour. You can hear Crown calling you, can’t you? A quiet whisper surfing the easterly breeze. Play me, Jack. Play me. Double up.
I know that voice well. We’re not so different, you and I. Here’s 8 reasons why I feel emptiness when looking into my girlfriend’s eyes.
8. She Lacks the Variant Odds I Need to Sustain my Interest
Honestly, if it’s 2017 and you’re dating a girl who hasn’t got at least three variant outcomes based on the roll of a six-sided dice, why are you even maintaining such a hollow facade? Whenever I roll over from sweat laden dreams and see my Anna, my sweet Anna, looking at me through troubled eyes – I am ashamed to admit it, but I can only think one thing: Boring. Where is the thrill of the game? Where is the pursuit of luck? Where is the stratagem? Things were so quick after Trent’s accident. “Accident.” What am I saying.
7. My Girlfriend is a Tokenistic Emblem of Oppressive Time
Alright, alright: I hear you. “Yeah, I listen to podcasts too, grow up.” We all know casinos don’t have clocks. Blah blah blah, oppressive capitalists are trapping the gamblers into a system of exploitation. Yawn. They own the property, they can do what they want. Those people are there on recreational grounds, and if they choose to submit themselves to an environment designed to halt the natural force of decay, then so be it. You’re right, and its exactly that kind of comfort I no longer find in my sweet Anna’s embrace. With Anna, I am constantly tied to the grand story of the sun’s inevitable death. We are but fleeting connotations of something which once was, which may or may not be seen by other life millions of years from now when we are nothing but records in stone. It drives me crazy, thinking about it. Anna won’t have any of it, but she doesn’t understand. If she knew, maybe she’d knew what was going through Trent’s head before the acci…Stop.
6. Anna Was There for me When No-one Else Was, but she Includes Tax
Anna has no variant odds and the government recognize her as a commodity. They recognise us all as commodities. But not at Crown. I am safe in Crown. I am safe in Crown.
5. At Crown Burswood, I Don’t Have to Cross the Street to Smoke
Her, her her. This society is all about “her”. Fathers lose their children every day in the feminist run justice system. We can’t cross the street without being told not to stare, not to cat-call. And when fucking Anna sees her mash-feed reactionary news content and yells in my ear about it all day, oh the transgenders want this, oh the gays have found a medicine for that. Fuck, man. What is a man supposed to do? Yes, honey, I lost six hundred dollars. No, I don’t feel great. I will make it back. No, next time. Yes, tomorrow. Anna. It’s not like that. No, no – ANNA.
4. Her Discourse is Regurgitative and Shallow compared to the Bouncers
The bouncers at Crown don’t turn everything into an episode of the OC. It isn’t “let’s play sex and the city” with them. I tell her time and time again, the Casino is pretty, the Casino has luxury, but no, it’s all about spending wholesome time together, genuine authenticity, real belonging. She wouldn’t know any of it even under guided examination. Sure she complains now, but just wait, just you wait, when I’m on a winning streak again, you’ll see how generous this Daddy can be. We’re going up! Hang on, I need to make a call.
3. Anna Doesn’t Offer Me a Wide Selection of Foods at 3AM
Fuck. That sandwich was $12.
Ah, who cares. Bitch.
2. Anna Has no Crank or Lever With Which to Bet Money on Chance
You know what Women need? More controllable parts. If only they had controllable parts. I might be able to look my sweet Anna in the eyes from now on if I could raise her left arm and descend it for a 3-selection dependent game of chance with a series of incremental small wins to stave off a sense of addiction. That is what women need – crank arms.
1. I Am Only Dating Her Because I Fear She Means it When She Says “I Will Kill Myself If You Leave Me”
Guys, I’m only here because my girlfriend says she’ll do something horrible if I break up with her. I don’t know what to do. Here is the only place I get respite…it’s about my freedom. It is. Just wait until I’m on a lucky streak again. I’ll pay you back. I’ll pay the casino back double. It’s all Anna’s fault. Call Anna. She has money. Anna! Oh god, I do love Anna. Please, let me call Anna.
What are you doing with that crowbar? Oh.